Have you ever been so hurt by the blows of life that you felt the only peace was by leaving this earth?
I was so deep into depression around the summertime of 2014 that I would pray to God to end my life. In my first suicide attempt, I was crying hysterically and praying to die. After I wrote my “goodbye” letter and tucked it in my pants, I swallowed a couple handfuls of pain pills. I even made what I thought was going to be my last selfie and posted it on social media with the comment, “peace out”. When I saw that there was nothing happening to my body, I laid down to sleep, hoping that I wouldn’t wake up. Well I did wake up to a rapid heart beat, sweating, and thumping to my head. In my second suicide attempt, I thought that I’d end my life by drinking a bottle of over-the-counter sleeping medications. I thought that it would make me take the “long sleep” peacefully. I did get really drowsy and attempted to fall alseep, but I awoke to a racing heart beat and thumping to my head. As I was being wheeled to the ambulance, I said a silent prayer to God that I would not do this again and I asked for forgiveness because it really scared me.
On the two attempts, I refused to tell the doctors what I was planning to do because I didn’t want them to admit me into the hospital. They just assumed that I was abusing drugs and seeking attention, but I was livid that I failed at my plan. I eventually did allow myself to be admitted for in-patient treatment at my local hospital for about 12 days. I was just depressed and not wanting to deal with the current diagnosis of a chronic illness. I felt that ending my life would solve my problems, but it began to make new ones that my family couldn’t handle. As time went on, I started to pray more, repented of my sins, and invested in myself more. I can’t promise that depression will not try to rear its ugly head around the corner again someday, but giving the issues of my heart to God has been a tremendous help and guidance in my life.
I speak of this because there is someone who may be dealing with the hardships of life and just wants to end it all. Can I be honest with you? Suicide is NOT the answer. If you think that trying to kill yourself will be a “peaceful” way to die, it will not be that way. Trying to harm yourself is wrong and it will hurt tremendously. The enemy just wants to take away your future assignment that God designed for your life. Don’t let him win. I encourage you to speak out and don’t spend another moment keeping those issues bottled up inside you. Please connect with trusted friends, family members, or your local hospital and let them help you. We need to have our minds renewed and our hearts cleansed because if we’re blessed to see a new day, we have a purpose. Until next time, pray for me and I’ll pray for you.
So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.
Isaiah 41:10 NIV